We've posted audio of this week's sermon here. You really need to listen to, rather than read, this one. The "script" for Cinderella's stepmother is by Edwin Friedman from Friedman's Fables, and is wonderfully performed by Laura Douthit. I include the "sermon" text below, for those who want the interpretation/exposition piece, but you'll need to listen to the audio to hear the first part.
We’ve been talking about family systems in this series – we started by talking about responsibility in the fable of the Bridge: where we learned that you can’t motivate the unmotivated and that the only person you can make responsible is yourself. In the fable called “A Nervous Condition” we learned that the most sensitive people in any system – the ones who are the most needy – tend to control everything and we talked about how we can “move toward the roar” and choose to not be controlled by the anxiety of another. Then we moved to the story of Moses, Aaron, and the Golden Calf and talked about emotional triangles – how when there is conflict between two parties we tend to want to bring in a third to rescue on or the other, which really leads to more conflict. We learned that the way to health is to “de-triangulate” by paying attention to our own anxiety and dealing directly with conflict. Then, last week, we talked about perfectionism in “Caught in Her Own Web” and how anxiety is often manifested in an attempt at perfect performance which is the illusion of control. Truth is, we’re not perfect and that it’s not our perfection in performance that God wants but, rather, perfection in love – living in relationship with God and each other.
This morning we’ve heard from Cinderella’s stepmother –the flip side of a famous story. Notice how many fairy tales contribute to the dysfunction of the family system. It’s interesting to watch how anxiety and systemic issues permeate our popular stories.
We all know the songs and characters and the classic fairytales that Disney has brought to life. I’ve got a few of my own favorites. But one of the things I’ve noticed over the years of watching some of these stories with my kids is that many of the old fairytales that are brought to the screen, while they are entertaining, do in a subtle and unintentional way perpetuate some less than helpful ideas about family systems.
For example, how many stories have come to the screen about some big-eyed, small-waisted princess wanting a prince to come and rescue her from her anxiety-filled home. The plots are just about all the same – girl (or fish, or lion, or mermaid) gets upset with parent who is trying to establish some boundaries. A basic premise of some of these fairy tales is that parents are too controlling. Girl (or corresponding animal) runs away from said parents and gets into trouble. Girl gets rescued by third party (be it handsome prince, fairy godmother or hilarious sidekick), gets married and, supposedly, lives happily ever after.
I don’t want to bust too hard on Disney here (after all, they’re just re-telling these old stories), but think about it for a minute: what lessons are we teaching through these stories? Kids, the way you manage your anxiety is by refusing to honor any boundaries, running away or blaming your parents and, then, believing that the key to happiness is to be rescued by an equally needy partner. Watch one of these movies closely next time, with your family systems viewer on, and you’ll see what I mean.
I’ve told this story before, but I remember when Hannah was little and we were watching “Bambi”. There’s that scene where Falene, Bambi’s “love interest” is being chased by wolves and gets backed into a corner on a cliff. She’s cowering in fear waiting until Bambi comes to rescue her. So, we’re watching this and Jennifer, my wife, suddenly stops the VCR, looks at Hannah and says, “Sweetie, I want you to know something. Falene could kick those wolves in the teeth if she wanted to. She doesn’t need Bambi to come and rescue her. She could take care of herself.” Then she turned the movie back on.
You go, girl!
I’d love it if Disney would, for once, do a movie about what happens after happily ever after when the unresolved issues surface once again – when Cinderella, or Ariel, or whomever is once again feeling anxiety and decides to run away again – this time from a marriage or some other responsibility. For young women especially, such fairy tale dreams most often, in reality, turn into nightmares because they never learn to take responsibility for themselves and deal with their own anxiety. They are perpetually waiting to be rescued.
I often wonder what would have happened in any of these fairytale stories if the prince had seen Rapunzel in the tower or Cinderella in her home, hearing the girl’s needy cries for help – wanting to be rescued from the “wicked witch” who is simply trying to help the girl take responsibility for herself-and, in his most princely, self-differentiated way had said to the doe-eyed damsel in distress:
“Wow. I understand that situation is hard for you. I wonder how you’re going to handle that?”
Cinderella’s stepmother is a great fable because it brings home the point that there is no happily ever after if the anxiety in the family system is never resolved and no one self-differentiates. You think that by running away from responsibility little Cindy is going to be a healthy adult who learns to manage her own anxiety? What happens when Prince Charming is no longer so charming because of his own anxiety? What happens when nobody comes to the rescue? Can you imagine these people then running a kingdom or a company?
I want to celebrate all those “wicked” moms and stepmoms, dads and stepdads, who are willing to be self-differentiated, non-anxious, and deal with all the sabotage that comes from children learning to take responsibility for themselves. Your “wickedness” could just be the ticket to your child’s long-term emotional health.
I find it interesting that the one story in the gospels that concerns Jesus’ childhood involves his mom defining her expectations. Now, this story about Jesus in the Temple is most often used to show that Jesus had an early hint of his life mission as the Messiah. I’d agree with that. But what interests me most, from a systems perspective, is that it really points to the effectiveness of Mary as a mother (and, we assume, Joseph as a dad).
Jesus has stayed behind (not run away, probably just caught up in conversation). In those days, people traveled in family caravans and Mary probably assumed that Jesus was somewhere in line playing with a cousin or two. When they discover him missing, the parents head back to Jerusalem in a panic. Jesus may have been the Messiah, but he was still Mary’s boy. She does what a good mom will do – she demands responsibility from the boy, owning her own anxiety: We’ve been searching for you! We were worried sick!
Jesus responds with that famous line: “Didn’t you know where I’d be? In my Father’s house?” Jesus was about God’s business, which was great. But he’s still their boy.
It’s the next line that makes the most intriguing statement to me, however.
Verse 51 – Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. Hmmm.
It makes me wonder what kind of conversation the family had on the way home! Jesus was special, for sure, but I kind of believe that Mary may have had a good talk with young Jesus about responsibility – about boundaries. She may have expressed her own anxiety and owned it, teaching Jesus to do the same. When they got home, she probably set limits, had expectations, shared her own beliefs, even made the Son of God do some work around the house.
See, I’m thinking that if she hadn’t done those things, the next verse would not have come to pass. Verse 52 – And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men. Jesus grew up to become, in my opinion, the most self-differentiated, non-anxious person who ever lived.
Granted, you could attribute that theologically to his “divine” nature and that’s great. But we must remember that Jesus was also “fully human”. I tend to think that Jesus became who he was in large part because he was given a good example at home.
And nobody has ever called Mary “wicked,” right?
Learning to take responsibility for ourselves, learning to own our own anxiety, learning to set boundaries, learning to pay attention to our own role in all our relationships are keys to taking the “dys” out of dysfunctional families and organizations. It’s hard work, but nothing worth doing comes easy –especially raising kids.
So, here’s to all you parents – you wicked, self-differentiated, responsibility-giving parents.
The truth is that a healthy dose of real living trumps a fairy tale every time!
