Yesterday afternoon, my fellow Beeson Pastors and I drove about a half hour away from Wilmore to the beautiful Cliffview Retreat Center, tucked away on a back road near Lancaster, KY. This Catholic retreat center is a warm and inviting place–very quiet and quite conducive to a time of reflection. I'm grateful to have some time to process everything I've been learning in class and to do a bit of reading on my own.
One of the striking features of Cliffview is this life-sized bronze crucifix on a small hill that greets you as you come up the drive. One of my colleagues remarked that Roman Catholics just can't seem to get Jesus off that cross. As Protestants, we're very focused on the resurrection and the empty cross. On the other hand, I think that a crucifix is a powerful reminder of the human suffering in which God participated and still participates. I sat in front of this crucifix this morning as the sun came up and was struck by the intense power of God's love for us. The Beeson Center's constant message to us pastors is this: "You are a child of God." It's a simple word, but one that needs constant reinforcement.
Being on retreat and also having some time to rest seems to stir my subconscious. I had a dream last night that I was watching TV with some others and, suddenly, there on the screen was my name and an announcer saying, "Robert Alfred Kaylor has one minute to call and claim this incredible prize." I didn't know what the prize was and didn't even know I had entered the contest, but I tried desperately to remember the phone number that had flashed across the screen. I couldn't, so I spent that minute frantically typing numbers into my cell phone, trying different combinations, asking the others if they remembered the number…but no one did. After a minute, the announcer said, "Time is up for Robert. Time to put another name up on the screen." I had lost my chance to win a prize, even though I don't know what it was.
I woke up feeling the stress of that minute of panic. I had missed out on something important. I had failed to get the prize. I struggled to get back to sleep, but when I woke up early and went out to the cross that dream came into larger focus. Looking at Jesus there on the cross I was reminded of Paul's words in Philippians 3:13-14 – "Forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
What's the prize? Paul names it a bit earlier in verse 10: "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." For Paul, the prize was found in simply knowing Christ – not in some earthly achievement or gain in status. It is not about gaining something, but Someone. The relationship is the reward.
I realized this morning that I've spent much of my life frantically trying to punch all the right buttons in order to achieve some elusive prize – to prove that I'm worth something, to gain the status of a winner and enjoy the material benefits thereof. Usually, though, I'm dialing the wrong number. It occurred to me that I have come to this time exhausted from the stress of trying to find the right combination to success. I wonder, too, how many people I have exhausted by trying to get them to give me the combination!
But true success, in God's eyes, has nothing to do with anything I achieve. I am a success, a winner, not because of anything I have done or will do, but because Jesus loved me enough to die for me. I am a winner because I am loved. I am a child of God. I've always known that…but only recently am I coming to truly believe it.
During this time of study I am learning how to redefine success and how to reorient my time and focus. The truth is that the more I am working on and living into my relationship with God the more real that God becomes, the more aware I am of where God is working around me and where I am being called to join in, and the more I understand what it means to be a spiritual leader. I know that I will be coming home different and will seek to be a different kind of pastor as a result.
How about you? Are you still punching in numbers trying to find the right combination for success? Put down the phone and remember this one simple fact: You are a child of God. You are valued beyond measure. That's the only prize worth having.
